ADHDad - #1

Introduction

I am a dad. I am a husband. I am a son. I am a brother. I am a friend. I am a couples and family therapist. I am a teacher. I am a person … who has ADHD. If you’re reading this, then chances are you or someone you know has ADHD too.

Now, where was I? … oh, right! This is the first of a series of topics, ideas, insights, shares, advice, tips, and conversation starters about the experience of ADHD, with a little added emphasis on what it is like to be parent with ADHD (hence, the series title). For starters, how about a little more context?

I was not diagnosed with ADHD until I was an adult. My childhood memories include missing recess to finish work, taking forever to get things done, feeling overwhelmed, and feeling too move-ative (as my son called it when he was a toddler). However, in the 80’s ADHD was not diagnosed as frequently as it is now. With some helpful encouragement and support at home, I was able to adapt and finish school with strong grades, graduate college cum laude, get my masters degree, and have a successful career. I know that many other folks are less fortunate.

Too Much at Once

It all caught up to me when I got married, began my career, and we had our first child. A very helpful marital and family therapist, along with an ADHD specialist, helped me to see that the ways I had adapted - like budgeting extra time to do certain types of tasks, staying up late, drinking way too much coffee, meditation, checking and rechecking for mistakes, vacillating between procrastination and careful planning - just weren’t enough when compounded with the aforementioned stressors of a typical middle class adulting American. After some hesitation, I agreed to try a commonly used stimulant prescription. After some fine-tuning, I began to find my stride. The journey continues, since ADHD never goes away.

That began a journey that is both deeply personal and professional; a path to realizing what ADHD was about. I still need to be mindful of my own attention, motivation, habits, and growing edges. It continues to enlighten me when I compare and contrast my experiences with those of my clients, colleagues, and friends. I hope that what I have to offer here leaves readers with some more perspective, validation, resources, and maybe even a few warm-hearted chuckles. 😆

Warmly,

-Nate

P.S. I invite you to contact me if you would like to request a topic relevant to parenting with ADHD.

It’s Usually Not That Urgent

It was probably around autumn of 2020. I can still recall and feel what it was like - the combination of adrenaline and exhaustion when trying to do way too much. I probably had less than an hour. I really wanted to finish manually de-thatching the front lawn, mow it, and bring our daughter to soccer practice. Yep...in less than an hour! That chaotic moment eventually led to an insight that was monumental for me. But the journey to that pivotal instant began at least a decade earlier (see above).

So there I was, about to get smacked in the face by this unconscious ADHD survival strategy. It hadn’t hit me yet, though. No - I was oblivious, and it played out in ways that were relatively new to my parenthood journey…ways that I felt bad about. Those bad feelings were eventually helpful to illuminate a few things, but also took their toll. Maybe sharing this can help some of you avoid the unnecessary anger and shame that I felt. I was surviving on procrastination and subsequent urgency, and still had much to learn about ADHD (despite my training as a psychotherapist), and parenting.

… I don’t really remember what my kids were saying, but I remember not liking how I responded. Parents, can you relate to that feeling?For me, it resulted in some kind of whirlwind which consisted of working on a task, half-attending to a child, saying something insensitive, yelling, forgetting something, freaking out about the time, running, getting scraped up or knocking into things, feeling good that I got it all done (if I was that lucky), and then feeling pretty lousy about my interactions with my kids.

I think it was later that night when I started reflecting on my experience, and why I was feeling like a failed parent. I played the sequence over and over in my mind. Finally, I asked myself- "was it worth it?" The answer from within was a resounding ”NO!” It was not worth my stress level. It was not worth brushing off my kids. It was not worth raising my voice or being curt with them. It was definitely not worth feeling lost about being a parent (although we all feel that way at times)... all so that I could get the most amount of lawn chores done in the least amount of time. The funny thing is, there was no real urgency to what I was doing. It was all made up. I needed the urgency to get it done, but it cost too much.

The insight… That night I started to realize that the main tool in my ADHD survival tool-kit was the following strategy:

1. stall, delay, avoid, distract

2. …until enough urgency build’s up

3. Then (when I am about to freak out) finally focus enough to get things done.

…Basically, leaning on that silver-lining “oh S@@t” moment that usually came after a period of procrastination. Even today I continually have to watch for this engrained tendency.

Since then, I started to put together takeaways from my own experience as well as from my work as a therapist.

Here are 5 tips to begin working with your ADHD:

1. S.T.O.P. for a mindful moment before rushing into a project. 1

   • Stop or pause what you are doing

   • Take a breath

   • Observe your surroundings

   • Proceed with mindful awareness

2. Ask yourself: “How urgent is this?” Remember that being able to jump a bunch of hurdles does not mean you need to. Try to remember that there is a difference between what is important, and what is urgent. Confusing the two can be disastrous. With ADHD it is easy to live life in a see-saw between calm and emergency. ADHD expert Ari Tuckman stresses the importance of doing things at the right time and right place (AKA point of performance), which can be difficult with ADHD because that prospective memorycan be constrained. That leads to doing too many things at the last minute. You can listen about it more, by clicking here.

3. Notice the part of yourself that runs the show when you are overwhelmed. How do people respond to you when you are in the state? Have a mini-conversation with yourself. Get to know it. Start to track it.

4. Use Technology. I have come to the point of thinking of my smartphone as adaptive / assistive technology for ADHD. In fact, I am pretty sure things would be a lot harder for me if I did not carefully use it to plan out what I need to do and when. Remember, planners and reminders are not necessarily the same, and can have different purposes. My clients also benefit from sessions where I coach them around this.

5. Lastly, Be Kind to yourself. ADHD is with you for life. Being harsh with yourself for moments where old patterns get the best of you is too easy, and adding shame makes all the impact of ADHD exponentially more severe.

   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

   1. S.T.O.P. strategy for mindfulness in 2018, Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, PhD, Executive Function Difficulties in Adults ↩︎