Finally - A Critique on The 5 Love Languages!

It has been fascinating to observe the effect of Gary Chapman’s book on The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts on couples seeking treatment. In fact, many if not most of the couples I have worked with in the last decade read the book and talked extensively about it when I ask them about what they tried in order to improve their situation before coming to me. While there were things about the book that I appreciated, needless to say, I also had my suspicions.

More-over, I would add, assumptions about the power of the love languages might add fuel to the flames of escalating conflict.

My experience has been that couples seeking therapy are more caught up in the contempt related to a love language mismatch than anything else. Many of my clients become indignant about the fact that their partner is not speaking their love language. I would see interactions like this:

is not speaking their love language. I would see interactions like this:

“I don’t feel like you care…”

“I do xyz for you.”

“But that is not my love language”

“Well you aren’t speaking my love language either when I say I need ….”(and the cycle continues )

The assumption made by the couple in the example above (and so may like them) is that they are doomed to fail because one person likes one love language, like physical touch, and the other may like gifts, and they can’t consistently accommodate one another. I am not necessarily saying that this is what the author of the book series is implying. Again, I am writing about my observations of couples who walk (or click) into my office.

In their article in this year’s October publication of the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, Sharon M. Flicker PhD and Flavia Sancier-Barbosa PhD studied couples both seeking and not seeking treatment and found that satisfaction with your partner’s love language didn’t predict how satisfied you are in a relationship, nor how loved you feel. They write:

“Chapman's hypothesis was not supported. Participants' satisfaction with their partners' primary love language behavior no better-predicted relationship satisfaction or perceived love than the lower-ranked love languages. “

I was relieved. Finally, some research that supports what I have come to understand from my practice about The Five Love Languages! Despite all the hype, they are not as instrumental as they claim to be, and are a far cry from being a couples panacea.

However, it’s not all bad. There has to be some merit in such a popular publication. The fact that couples are talking about expressions of love after reading the book means that they are engaging in a meta-discussion, and getting to conversations on that level is generally a step forward for many couples. It also serves as a menu of options for ways to express love. The problem is when partners dig their heals in and affirm that This is me…and if you can’t love like me, then it’s not gonna work.

Rather than a mandate to speak two or more different languages, I work with couples to find their own shared language. That is, if couples can identify rituals of connection that serve them both, and engender a similar meaning about those rituals and their significance as an expression of love or adoration, they are much better off. In addition, when I help couples cultivate a positive outlook and interpretation on their partner’s words and actions, they are less likely to get caught up in criticism about what “love language” is being used. Both of these tactics, aligning rituals of connection, and increasing the appreciation and positivity in the couple’s culture, are consistent with the well established research of Dr’s John and Julie Gottman. The findings of Flicker and Sancier-Barbosa slimilarly concluded that:

”Words of Affirmation and Quality Time better predicted perceived love and relationship satisfaction than participants' primary love language.”

In sum, there’s no such thing as a cure-all for, well… anything! Read as much as you care to, and whatever you want - your interest in wanting to help your marriage is important and should be encouraged. Lastly - customizing what your marriage needs goes way farther than any specific strategy.

You can watch a video of Dr. Sharon Flicker summarizing their study, here: link.