Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to be vulnerable with your partner.
Cupids, flowers, dinner, chocolates, Hallmark cards, and heart-shaped candy enter the minds of most people as February 14th approaches. Few of us think of the vague stories of Saint Valentine that eventually morphed into the holiday we know today. Rather than focusing on consumerism or exploring the rabbit-hole of history, I want to suggest making the occasion more meaningful for you and your partner.
Imagine a 10 year old boy presenting his valentine with a little card or some heart-shaped candies. One could visualize how his cheeks may be flushed as he smiles at the recipient, possibly avoiding direct eye contact. Now imagine the body language between you and your partner when exchanging gifts like a bouquet of flowers or a card signed with an endearing little hand-written note. In either case there is often a particular emotion. In addition to love, one might call it a type of bashfulness. For the child or tween, they may be thinking,“ I like you, and I don’t know if you like me…and I am not sure what the others will think…and this is a little scary for me to say.” Whereas for those who are more mature, it may be more like “I want you to know how much you mean to me, and it’s a little scary for me to let you know that because maybe you don’t feel the same way, or maybe you remember some of the less pleasant times we have had.”
In either case, I want to suggest that the common denominator might be that the gift-giver is taking a risk. They are going out of their way to show that they care about a person, and are taking a chance that it may not be received as they hope. Their bid for connection may not be reciprocated, or worse — it could be rejected. This is why Valentine’s Day is subtly, yet pervasively, about vulnerability for many people.
The specific body language (looking shy, etc.) is probably meant to trigger the limbic system in a way that draws people closer. In Amini and Lannon’s A General Theory of Love (2001), the authors present some pretty good evidence that the mammalian brain, and even more so the human brain, is designed to read subtle emotions for the purposes of bringing us together. Just focusing on that for a moment, it’s pretty easy to think about how the body language that goes along with giving a gift to a romantic partner is meant to draw the other person towards you.
You can take this one step further to proactively make vulnerability your ally in your relationship. For a little help with this, let’s turn to The Gottman Institute. One principle that the Gottmans have is to “let your partner influence you” (Gottman & Silver, 2015). When we apply this concept of “sharing power and decision making,” one example may be to accept some ways that your partner may need you to respond to them. Another may be negotiating wants and needs. There is also the principle of “solving your solvable problems.” This includes working through “injuries” in part by sharing experiences and acknowledging your role in what happened. Now, it may not be a good idea to do all the repair needed in your relationship on Valentine’s Day. In fact, that would most likely be a bad idea. That is probably not what your partner is expecting. However, these principles both involve a high level of vulnerability in taking the emotional risk. You can use the Valentine’s Day ritual to take the risk a little bit further by linking it back to the nuances of your relationship.
To conclude, rather than just making the culturally appropriate gesture and leaving it at that, try looking inward first and reviewing the last few months. Think of what you appreciate and admire about the person, and be just a little more vulnerable. Open your heart. Share your love, and your fear. Acknowledge a small mistake. Be vulnerable enough to find where you can improve in the relationship and share how you can do better. Start taking those steps. Committed love with a partner is about growth as opportunities inevitably come up. In order to grow both of you need to be brave enough to accept feedback and nurture the growing edges. Focusing on your own opportunities for growth will set the tone for both of you to move forward together. So consider peppering a little more “V” in your Valentine’s Day.
Nurture your love,
-Nate
P.S. If you're curious about The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, check back soon at www.wisdomtreetherapy.com for details about upcoming workshops that I am facilitating.
Works Cited
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Harmony Books.
Lewis, T. H., Amini, F., & Lannon, R. (2001). A general theory of love. New York, NY: Vintage Books.
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